Ma's Musings

sometimes

2010-03-02T04:29:00.002-06:00

.... you start with nothing and build from scratch

sometimes you have everything you need and it's still not enough

building yourself up

brick by brick

we stack things up

we try to go higher

how many blocks can we add

before it grows too tall

and starts to wobble

remember?

the pure joy...

of playing blocks, and stacking up

only to let them all tumble

and start again

dominoes

neatly lined.... and then

one small tap

and there they go

the miniscule moment of power

in your fingertip

you can make it

and you can destroy it

how you feel

once it's tumbled crumbled

ANGRY

SAD

EXCITED ...to start again?

in each moment

you can choose

you have a choice

the choice

yours

I'm back...

2009-12-23T22:44:00.001-06:00

I'm the girl who posts like a gajillion status updates on Facebook everyday - I was really into myspace blogging for a while, that is until I realized I was too old for that bullshit and decided to join Facebook instead, now I realize I just like to write and I like to share bits and pieces of my brain mumblings with the world, I like to feel connected to people, my family and friends, I like to release my worries, fears, dreams, and hopes.... I'm going to release alot here it will not be for everyone but maybe for some and mostly for me to just be and say what I will

Twin Cities Most Eligible Bachelorette!!!

2008-01-24T20:32:00.000-06:00

Yes - that will be my title when I win the Vita.mn contest I'm entered in if everyone who reads this votes for me!!!!

Tell everyone you know to cast a ballot for me!!!! This time of year there is enough craziness around elections and voting and candidates and nominees.... save the drama for your mama and screw the rest of em

VOTE FOR A DESERVING WOMAN SUCH AS MYSELF @

www.vita.mn/hotties

PS anyone who votes for me is invited to my big celebration at Soundbar when I win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mama's got a new lullabye

2008-01-02T23:23:00.001-06:00

I just finished watching Waitress
and maybe it's been a looooong while since I've seen a movie made for adults
but I really enjoyed it
and I've decided I want to learn how to bake pie
(anyone wanna teach me?)
and I've started practicing my pitch and tune and all that so Calvin's not scared when I try to sing my new favorite song to him.... hahaha!
anywho - my new motto is start fresh - like Joe says....
startin fresh is a good thing, specially this time of year-
and specially once I get my loan money and I can get my fat ass back into the Y!!!!!!!!

surrender

2007-12-19T12:36:00.000-06:00

not sure if I'm going against all the rules of bloggery by reposting someone else's words... but I just had to share!!!!

----------------------------------------------------
** ARTICLE: Surrender to Your Dreams –By Kiernan Antares **
----------------------------------------------------

Many of us as children live with vivid imaginations, hopes and dreams of what
we’d like to do or become when we grow up. But somewhere along the lines our
beliefs in our dreams begin to diminish as we are told they are silly or
unrealistic. Over time we lose sight of what once made us feel alive and our
dreams become buried so deep under other people’s expectations of us we forget
they even existed.

Surprisingly even countless successful people live in this illusion. You know
them, perhaps you are even one of them. To everyone else it appears like they
have great jobs, earn lots of money, and it may seem like they are perfectly
suited to their career. Yet if you ask them if they are happy they may likely
tell you they don’t feel fulfilled in their chosen profession. An integral piece
is missing. They have lost touch with their passions and feel out of alignment
with their purpose in life.

Being disconnected from our Spirit manifests imbalances in many areas of our
life. Chronic feelings of anger, stress, fearfulness, easily upset or emotional
outbursts can be signs of being out of synch with your soul purpose or passion.
Restlessness, jealousy, poor time management, procrastination, depression, and
pushing one self too hard to achieve are other signals to watch.

Without questioning the deeper meaning in our lives many people mistakenly
believe letting go and moving on to something else is the answer. It isn’t. That
feeling of emptiness or disconnection will follow us wherever we go, unless we
ask the most important fundamental questions there are. What do I want? What
makes me feel alive? To assist you in determining the answer to these questions
think about moments in your life when you were happiest. When what you were
doing gave you joy and confidence.

Every time you think you have the answer, ask it again, and again until it makes
your pulse quicken and stirs something so deep inside you know with absolute
certainty you can no longer live without it. Then you have touched your
uniqueness, your purpose for being. It can be the most significant moment of
your life. The reason for asking the questions over repeatedly is to ensure that
you move past what your ego believes you are meant to do, discover your Truth,
and then live it without doubt.

Of course, that’s just the beginning of your journey for healing and
rediscovery. For some it may mean a whole new direction in their lives, for
others perhaps just a few minor tweaks here and there, adding their new
perspective or level of consciousness to their existing circumstances will
create the fulfillment necessary. Abandoning the current situation altogether
may not be the answer. Finding the right balance is the key but in all cases it
will take careful thought and planning to integrate these dreams throughout the
various areas of your life.

Our quest is to connect not only to our soul but also to the world, creating a
life of meaning. In years past, I often dreamed of disappearing to a cabin in
the woods. Living a life separate from chaos, in peace and simplicity. But where
would be the challenge to grow and blossom into the wonderful people we are
meant to be? No, the answer is not hiding ourselves in solitaire but to discover
our uniqueness, share our gifts with the world, and live a happy, limitless and
fulfilling life. As Neale Donald Walsch says in his books Conversations with
God, create yourself “in the next grandest version of the greatest vision ever
you held about who you are.”

Throughout this process you must learn to master the ability to listen to
yourself first and last. Most people have gotten into the habit of listening to
others in determining what they will do, what you like or dislike, and how you
to respond to external factors. Checking in with yourself first is a skill that
requires patience and time to develop as it means rewiring the way you think and
act but it can be done with constant monitoring of how you feel physically and
emotionally.

How do you know if it’s your soul purpose or your ego in the driver’s seat? It’s
easy to detect but not always easy to accept and change if your ego is ruling.
You will feel fulfilled, at peace, and joy will permeate your existence if you
are in alignment with your Spirit. Everything you do will flow without
resistance. The universe will support you in your endeavors and provide you with
opportunities to heal what needs to be healed and learn the necessary skills to
carry you forward.

On the other hand if fame, fortune, power, and the need for approval is
motivating you, check in with ego and bring it in balance with your soul to
avoid straying away from your path and coming up against unwanted struggles.
Thankfully though, it’s not necessary to abandon your ego altogether. Janet
Amare says it nicely in her book Soul Purpose, “The better we are able to
harness the power of both the ego and the soul, and act on the inspiration of
both, the closer we will be to our true purpose.”

There is so much life to live. Feel the burning fires inside and give up the
fears within. Take a chance. Surrender to your dreams and let the familiar solid
ground beneath your feet transform into a fluid unknown force capable of letting
you soar to unbelievable heights on the wings of Angels. Hold your dreams in
your arms, nurture them, and don’t let them go. Your soul, your dreams and your
purpose are the reasons you exist. Make a commitment to discover your dreams.
Right here. Right now. There is no better time.

heart’s a flutter

2007-11-30T12:21:00.001-06:00

We only get this chance once a lifetime
this chance to live our dreams out
to follow our heart's desire
to find happiness
The chance lasts a lifetime
but only one
no more - no less
just one
But deep within and all wrapped up in your single chance
you have hundreds of months
thousands of days
millions of minutes
in which you can make a difference
Each and every second - you have a choice
to choose your fate
your destiny
the "predetermined path"
is determined by you...
And what will you do?
Where will you go?
Will you let anyone stand in your path?
Take anyone along for the ride?
only time will tell...
and though we seemingly have lots
it's speeding up on us
and the clock tick tocks
and my heart lies open
stretching towards the light
in the twinkling night sky
as I decide to choose...........
just what it is my heart desires

it should be a law!!!!!

2007-10-18T11:29:00.000-05:00

just thought I'd share a massive pet peeve of mine with ya'll

don't you think it should be a law that all public restrooms have coat hooks in them? I mean really, chances are if you're using a public restroom in the first place you're going to be at least carrying your purse with you (well maybe this bulletin is mostly for the ladies) and we live in MN - it gets damn cold and nasty and we wear big puffy jackets that are usually hard to keep on while we're usin the pisser - and if it's raining we have an umbrelly - I mean DAMN... who wants to put their shit down of the floor of a dirty ass bathroom or try to juggle it while hovering over the toilet??

come one now public establishments - go easy on us ladies will ya!!!!
Have a lil luv!!!!

I mean geez - sometimes we don't even want our kids to touch the nasty ground in there

ma thinks too hard - again.....

2007-10-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

Current mood: contemplative

BEWARE - this one's a little lengthy!!!!

it's quite possible that my brain may implode one day due to the many frazzled thoughts that drift in and out of my consciousness

because of the stretching and manipulating I've been doing to my head recently in school - I find my thoughts spiraling out of control at times

and so here I am to spew them forth again, in my traditional manner of random idiosyncratic ramblings

I've been noticing lately how so much of life is interconnected.... I'm taking 5 classes now, and I can't tell you how many times I've had to stop and ask myself why they couldn't all have been combined into just one - it really would make things a lot easier on my schedule

Most of my classes center around communication
Keyboarding - I'm doing it right now to communicate to you all
Fundamentals of Business Computers - well I guess computers are definitely medium of communication
Business English - learning proper gramme will help me to communicate appropriately when I'm working in a stuffy office environment
Interpersonal Communication - duh
Business Culture and Communication - 'nother duh

so since I've mostly been doing a lot of thinking lately, I've been pondering the power of thought and what sort of affect (or is it effect?) or influence it has on communication

how much of what you think actually gets morphed into words?

what is the level of importance placed on those hidden things we keep wrapped in our thoughts and how does that relate to our communication with others?

people often misinterpret actions or even words based on their own perception of what's going on.... in other words, their hidden thoughts and beliefs have had a great impact on their supposed reality

we often grow frustrated or aggravated when our thoughts aren't considered - but how can we when they are mostly hidden?

maybe because we put so much effort forth and spend so much time on our thoughts - we unconsciously expect others to be in some way aware of them?

we live in a culture where we place a high amount of value on our individuality - I wonder what price we pay when it comes to communication when we consider this? how much communication is avoided or cut short due to the fact that who we are communicating with, because of their differences, may not be a part of the reality we have created for ourselves?

why do we limit ourselves so?

our culture has also become highly dependent on technology as our major source of communication - cell phones, web cams and email have replaced land lines, face to face encounters and letter writing - television, iPods and Web sites have replaced plays, concerts and community meetings. Sure, a lot of the things we've essentially replaced are still around and being used by many, but the impact of them has shifted. We have grown bored and impatient with traditional modes of communication and we crave fast, impersonal, and highly visual flashes of information instead of close personal contact that seems to be too intimate and take too long - taking too much away from our busy individualistic lives.

So today on my way home for lunch, as I'm waiting at the bus stop, I start to think. Out of the 7 or so other people waiting in the shelter with me, at least 4 of them are on their cell phones, either texting, checking the Internet or playing games. We are all interconnected, crammed together within the shelter of the bus stop, probably all struggling with the pressures of being in college, and yet we all stay highly distanced from each other. Not one of us thinks to say hello, or spark up a conversation. We all have our own distinct style and personality - I can tell this by the way we look, smell, act - yet we all have things in common that we could build off of with communication. I started thinking about how our culture values individuality and how if I were at a bus stop in another country maybe people would be speaking to one another instead of being glued to their cell phones. People might focus on their similarities instead of their differences. And then, as I'm riding the bus home today I noticed something else related to communication. I was trying to manage my clumsy wheely backpack, my unbuttoned jacket and my purse - we all know how unstable a bus ride can be - so I was in a constant state of juggling trying to make sure the wheely backpack stayed upright, my purse stayed on my lap, and my unbuttoned jacket stayed wrapped snugly around my cold body. As I was gathering my things and readying myself to get off at my stop, there was a man on the bus who started chuckling and said to me that I didn't have to worry, no one was going to steal my stuff. I might add that this man was African American and most likely mistook my shuffling and reorganizing as a sign of fear and worry for the safety of my belongings, he undoubtedly misread my actions as a sign of prejudice being as he was the only person in the back of the bus with me at that time. I chuckled a bit with him and pointed out that I was in fact getting ready to get off the bus and was only trying to gather my things, and/or make sure that my backpack wouldn't go toppling over again (it did so 3 times on this ride when I momentarily let go of it) but I could tell that he had his mind made up, and my explanation to him seemed to be taken as a bit of an excuse. I was a bit taken aback by his comment, and angered a bit that he could have misinterpreted me like that. I am far from being prejudiced and hadn't had a single worry about my property. I realized that all of the unspokens can be very powerful communication methods too. I realized that in order to be truly understood, we must open ourselves up to the world around us and start communicating. Little did this man know that I was thinking deeply on this bus ride- pondering interconnection, communication, and thoughts as I surveyed my fellow riders. Trying to learn more and probe into their highly separate lives, making assumptions and assessments, just as he did to me, based on their appearance and what I thought of it all....

What a trip! (literally AND figuratively)

PS I'm so glad to be back in school and filling my brain with things other than what everyone wants to look like and how they want to be styled - but I can also appreciate how interconnected the whole process really is - no matter how much you learn or know, it all seems to boil back down to what you look like and how you think....
haha
superficiality may be the death of me

2007-09-12T10:32:00.001-05:00

connectedness
I think a lot about how separate I am
I seem to forget about the connections
it's like the 6 degrees
of separation
here I am on my stranded little island
thinking I'm oh so alone
and yet the water splashes
splashes me wet
and rinses me free
water is my friend
and I can hear the wave
the whisper of the sea-foam
the tragic clash of tide
sweeping away my sandy shore
where I once stood tall
where I once stood with someone
the waves have washed away
more than my sadness
more than my link
more than my love
the waves have washed away my time
they've washed away my past
away it has all gone, but no
gently swaying somewhere in the sea
the ocean keeps it safe
the water keeps it moist
the fish keep it company
it's all still here
just the same as everything ever lost
and yet to be found
we have all that we need
on our island oasis
trees for shade
sun for vitamin
food for thought
and I wonder
why it is I feel so alone
sometimes
when everything I ever need
or want
is right here for me
all I have to do is reach.....

it's coming

2007-09-11T11:03:00.002-05:00

the cool and crisp air of fall
sometimes it soothes my soul
and othertimes it gives me
brainfreeze
I hate the way it whispers in my ear
more like a shout really
I need to invest in some muffs
haha muffs for my ears that is
earmuffs
so's I can keep pedeling
my ass across this almost frozen tundra
there's nothing worse than the feeling of
cold limbs and frozen face
along with the strange sensation
of sweaty bod
you can't dress for this type of
torture
facemask, earmuffs, scarf
large puffy down insulated gloves that make it difficult
to grasp the handlebars
legwarmers up our legs and arms
nice warm pants that are very skinny on just the right side
to avoid damage from being caught in the chain
or maybe I could start pinning and rolling again
like I did in elementary school
bringing it back!!! aw yeah!!!!
then you need to top off the ever stylish ensemble with
a tank top or possible tank style turtle neck
because your torso and mainly pits
are bound to get sweaty
as you pedal and pedal
fuk it....
it's just about bus season for me

I hate the cold - it makes me crabby!

huh?

2007-09-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

how dare I win this with lame-o mud wrestling

remember deep thoughts with Jack Handey?

2007-08-30T11:35:00.000-05:00

Current mood: blah

well today I'm having a kind of a deep thoughts day....
maybe it's the full moon casting her spell of enchantment upon me
maybe it's the eclipse
maybe it's because my brain is being fondled in many ways via MCTC
whatever the reason - today I am thinking deeply

as I look around the computer lab I see many faces
we are all quiet
I can hear the tip tap tippity tap of fingers typing away
an occasional cough or squeak of chair
we are all here to study
but most of us are on myspace
searching

for connections
when we are all sitting in this room together
not saying a damn thing to one another

I send you pictures and stupid bulletins
comments
I try to be fun and witty and involved
and yet here I sit on the other side of the screen
pitter pat tap type
"Hellooooooooooo there - friend!"

friend?

I wonder how long this technical era will last?
How far will it take us?

I can only go so far this way before I need more
and yet I find it easier to say things here
my words pour forth with more ease when they are
tapped into existence
versus rolled off of tongue

I'm done in the computer lab
got all the info I needed off of the online
dictionary

but I wait here for the information
I truly need

I should go outside
and enjoy the rays of light
invite my son to lunch if his father will agree

I will go now
and read the four chapters I must before 3pm

adios ami-gos and -gas!

8:37 and I’m at the bus stop

2007-08-23T09:22:00.001-05:00

Current mood: damp

the world is a buzz
and yet somehow I feel a fuzz
I just wanted to tell you
that I love you
and not feel coo-coo
in the early morning dew
I think of you
in the thick foggy haze
I wander in this maze
my trail's a blaze
and the thickness settles
just as the screeching metals
dig and tear at the street
within my secret early morn retreat
I feel complete
I want to sit - and breathe this thick morning air
but do I dare
coated with dew drops and faerie dusting
and here I am wanting to be trusting
the world is moist and wet
clouds heavy with regret
please dont forget
full heavy cloud
did I just say that aloud
should it be kept in shroud
but this grey damp casing
this foggy facing
leaves me outside
lookin in.....

is it ever enough

2007-08-21T21:31:00.001-05:00

cataclizmicklly and rythmiclly
the world makes sense if you really want it to
you can find clues in the dirtiest dumpsters if you only look
the signs point to yes if you follow them that way
and they turn you towards disaster if you let them
which way will you go?
the road lies stretched ahead
and you can go any which way you choose
and I choose to go this way
and then turn round back sometimes
the object is to keep on moving
never stop
dont
until you get enuff
what's enuff
for me
you
half full or half empty
which way do you look it
stare it down
and breathe it in
smell the wicked views of containment
this is my home
I live in this casing
it's looking more withered
and just when it should be spit shining
gleam griming
the way I see it
is through glass of rose
at times
I see what I wanna see
sometimes
I dont see what I should
I look too closely
I feel too deeply
I ask nothing
give nothing
spare no feelings
spare too many
I grow tired with trivial
the mundane makes me weep
and the heroic efforts of others
leave me speechless
and grasping for more
and somehow I keep thinking
writing
typing
and what do I hope to accomplish
a bit of release
of what's trapped
mostly wrapped
in my casing
I like to free up space every now and then
make room for more
mismatched discoveries
and unlearned truths
crafting my reality
through trust
and deceit
my truth is your lie
and your truth is my lie
I'm running circles
looking for an end
and it keeps coming back to me
this beginning
and middle
this slice of possibility
anything's possible
but knowing what you want
what you really want
is harder
want wish want wish
need
I'm getting by
but could I be doing better?

bang bang you're dead

2007-07-30T21:48:00.000-05:00

ok so maybe I'm one of those tree hugging, granola eating peace marching earth mamas
but
I've been a bit perplexed about kids and gunplay lately
my son has had a recent spell of aggressive behavior that has me ultra aware of violence as a general past time for some folks - it seems to be an acceptable thing for people to engage in the viewing of violent movies, partake in the enjoyment of tremendously violent video and or computer gaming.... we've all seen testosterone spewing from a male or two in an either innocent or heartfelt display of barbaric behaviors - and lately even some females have been seen partaking in a Jerry Springer brawl or two.... is this all part of human nature?
are we all predestined to lash out in aggressive behaviors and enjoy the viewing of violent acts?
I understand that at a certain stage in our development we all explore the world through play
we pretend - make believe - act out the world around us in order to make sense of it
but is it okay to condone violence in our play?
and say boys will be boys - sure you can have another cap gun
sure let's wrestle around for a while and then stop when someone gets hurt
or just say "it'll be alright tuff guy" and keep on going
the world is full of many dangerous and intriguing things
but why do we only permit our children to engage in violence
why not hand them a bag of sugar and say let's pretend to be coke heads for a while
or maybe make little play-doh pipes and fill them up with play-doh hash - just for fun
"ok Suzzie - you be the prostitute and I'll be the pimp - I know mommy has some fishnets around here and daddy has that cool hat with a feather in it"
why are we so quick to play bang bang you're dead and hand our children toy guns
when I'm sure that not a single one of us anxiously awaits the day they start out on their first murder spree (when they of course will only be shooting the "bad guys")
I mean how often do you see young boys running off to play "let's go hunting" with their friends
it's always cowboys, cops and pirates they're playing and there's always a bad guy involved
sure we all know the world is full of good vs evil
but why always the vs
can't we just accept that you can't have one without the other and just get on with it
and McDonalds - come one now.... the whole fast food world
how many times must there be a cheapy plastic toy in my son's meal pack that is of a character from a PG-13 movie.... since when do 13+ year olds regularly consume Happy Meals?
(I know you're all thinking what's this tree hugging hippy mama taking her kid to Micky D's for anyways - but damn even us co-op shoppers need a meal on the go sometimes)
I may be rambling a bit here - but I'm trying to make sense of the world around me
(I may be an adult now, but I still need help making sense of it all)
I continually notice things we as a culture partake in and condone without really understanding
and I wonder why
why do we continue to teach and practice things that are in direct parallel to what we seem to hold dear as morals and values.... or are we really lacking both as a whole
what is it we're really doing with this world we live in
and what kind of future do we hope to create?Buying yourself whole life insurance is great and depending on your insurance situation you may want to take some time to research differences in insurance before investing your money. Finding great life insurance rates online is easy and getting a life insurance quote worth the time.

what is purity?

2007-07-30T00:04:00.000-05:00

the questions I ponder
are ageless
I think
timeless versions of a repeat
each generation wonders
each new life breathes it's potency
where do we come from?
where do we go when we're through?
the spectacular cycle
of a so called 9 month journey
40 weeks actually and sometimes more and others less
miraculously a new life grows
tiny egg and sperm colliding
the utter chances - one in a zillion or whatever it is they say
the actuality of you being you and even coming to be
are practically zilch
and yet here you are
and here am I
and one day our life becomes another
as we pass from one stage into another
our bodies constantly regenerating themselves
cells and atoms being reborn
new heights and hairs and hours
we grow and change and move
through this journey
I was child once
and suddenly thrown - dropped - transformed
into adult
and families change and friends
and we keep on going
looking backwards and forwards
but forever really NOW
now is the moment that slips away so easily
and yet it's always right there
we look into heritage and try to trace
our beginnings
and if we're lucky we know the moment we caught our first breath
in this current life vessel
and one day this casing will wither away
joining or is it rejoining the earth
what will we become?
what have we become?
I am busy thinking
and asking
and daring to know
I look around for a secret key
a door opening into pure understanding
and beauty beyond all belief
I believe there is a place
and we've either all been there or are on our way
back
this place of pure
is within
and without
and all around and inside
and if you dare to look
maybe you will see

or at least keep looking........

ignore it like it's pork

2007-07-25T00:27:00.000-05:00

in the last year I've experienced a great many things
two of the most poignant being that
both of my maternal grandparents have passed away
and although I can't name or describe the place that is "away"
I must believe that they are in a good place
they have been one of the few
constants in my life
I say one - even though they were literally two, they were in fact joined as one
because after 70 years together, you sort of start blending
I have seen many changes in my life
and walked many paths
lived in 15 places
(well 16 if you count actual moves)
schooled in 11 places
(13 if you count going back to a school after taking a break to attend another)
worked in 11 places
(16 positions if you count promotions and repeat employment)
I have seen several people come in and out of my life
family is the only constant
and even they are starting to disappear
1 great grandmother, 2 uncles, 2 grandparents
and
countless others that came and went before and during my time
I come from a double brood of what I like to call a yin and yang family
polar opposites when it comes to types
both of my parents are one of seven children
my mother is one of five girls and two boys
a family full of estrogen
and
my father is one of five boys and two girls
a family full of testosterone
and I am one of one girl from what some may call a broken family
yet others may say is stitched together quite well
and I am also being one of two in a blended family that could use a little stirring
the oil and water seem quite separate
and what is thicker
blood or distance
in this last year of my life I have come to many realizations
I have done alot of thinking
soul searching
spent alot of time
alone
All-One
just little old me, myself and I
I've realized I'm going to have to live with myself for quite a long time
as far as longevity is considered
(between the 3 people that I can say I know and remember having lived and gone "away" & having gone there under natural circumstances have completed in accumulation a total of 276 years of living - so I figure I'm going to be here for quite some time)
I've realized that the world I live in is vastly huge
and incredibly small
and being that I have oh so much time that is slipping away terribly fast
I must move quickly
and see what I can
and do what I can
before it is gone
in the last year...
I have quit smoking
I have joined the Y
I have enrolled in school again
I have lost about 10 pounds
I have grown and kept 14 plants alive
I have also helped keep one small boy and his kitty companion alive
I have watched alot of Grey's Anatomy
I have read several books
I have stood on a volcano
I have swam in my mother ocean the rawest and most powerful earth force that I know
I have though I might go crazy
with loneliness
but I have survived
it has been a long year
and it will only get longer
but the lifetime it grows in becomes shorter
every day
and I vow to myself today
to promise to live each day
to it's fullest
and grasp and appreciate
every blissful moment of blessing
and enjoy every small bit of LOVE-ly-ness
I will try to find joy in each lesson
to see truth in all understandings
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other
and try to trust
that my mother
goddess
earth
universal glow
will keep me in it's circular
pattern
and keep on turning me
on
and
around
until the end of time

going on ninety

2007-07-15T21:21:00.000-05:00

I can't imagine what it feels like
I can barely watch it
the frailness
of an aging body
the frailness
of youth
it's that in betweeness
that imaginary
tuffness
we spend so much time trying to
grow
that once we get there
we wonder how did it happen
where did it go
I can't imagine what it feels like
to let that all go
what do you see
when your eyes go a wandering?
what do they say
when they become watered
is it sadness or joy
in the end
I hold your hand close
and love you dearly
I think back to all the days we've spent
all the melodies played
and ears made happy
I feel grateful
and I feel sorrow
I am filled with emotion
beyond comprehension
for what I do not know
how can I understand
I wonder where you'll go
when you do
go
I hope she's there waiting for you
arms open
wrapping you in warmth and love
and you can feel at ease
and peace will take over
your pain washed away
I will hear you when you're gone
I will hear you in your song
when you're gone
you'll still be here
in my heart that is
right where you belong

half

2007-07-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure
whether it's 1/2 full or 1/2 empty
really it could be either
or neither
totally unexplainable
like those bottles
where when you turn them upside down to feed baby dolly
the liquid disappears
heading to what seems to be nowhere
or mid-air
or
somewhere in between
right in the middle
like half
(empty or full)

my Libran scales should be happy
I'm balancing perfectly equally
between
either
here or there

but they're not
I feel tipped

toppled

not quite sure really - whether it is that I'm half empty or half full

verbal debri

2007-07-07T21:12:00.000-05:00

We live in an age of information...
technology
history
science
self help
medical miracles
metaphysics
Our minds are well aware of oh so much
and yet we walk around
so blissfully ignorant
or is it innocent?
We take the time to
click & send
point & shoot
blah blah blah
who really gives a hoot?
so, Oprah spends her loot
and saves a few
but are we ever really saved?
when we go on
day after day
making the same mistakes
over and over
repeating history (herstory?)
circular
perpendicular
perplexity
I am left mostly dumbfounded
and
numb bounded
I sit here knowing in my brain of all the many things I want to do...
to accomplish
to believe in
and support
and yet the vast majority of the time
I end up sitting here going
"what the fuk?"
system overload....
it's much to big to cope
I need another toke
Separate but equal
or so I've heard
we all want to top the rest
somehow measure up...
we need more stuff
iPod
laptop
high def big screen
but what is it all, but a mere distraction
keeping us from what?
are we better off comfortably numb?
or should our awareness seep into daily doings?
should we
RISE
and take a stand for things we truly believe?
or just go back to
making sure our 7 yr old daughters have blackberries
and skirts so short their panties show
high heels lip gloss
my four year old son - thinks he's grown
and here I am 28 years old and still a big 'ole baby
who might just maybe grow up one day
or do we ever?
time and time again
I see folks supposedly grown
acting like elementary
my dear - do we need to play these games?
my stuff's cooler than yours
you're not my friend anymore
I think I'll bomb your country
killing helps so much...
now the world's a better place huh?
more gravesites
less landfills
throw away your problems
and let them melt away into a heap
of recycled mush
and then go buy some more
so you can show off and feel better than the neighbor
that thy's 'sposed to be luvin
It's no wonder I can't sleep at night
when at times even the small joys I find in life seem to grow
insignificant
in the looming shadow of all the greed - evil - destruction
& senseless acts of anger - hurt
my heart weeps at times
and I try to find the beauty
hidden 'round every corner
in each dark ally
I grow curiouser and curioser
every day
just as Alice in her land of wonder
where will we all be
5 years from now?
5 days even...
and even more unfathomable
5 decades
centuries?
millions of years from now...
if on this path we stay
will there even be
a We?

and does it even matter....

New Outlook

2007-06-27T21:47:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm trying to have a new outlook on life and find and focus on the things that bring me happiness - the things that I am grateful for... sometimes this task is less than simple and really actually very hard to do - especially when life seems horrid and instead of making lemonade with your lemons you seem only to be creating bitter yellow slime... but anyways, like I said - I'm trying
Today is the first day - but I'm going to try to name 5 things that I'm grateful for everyday
here goes nothin...
1. my beautiful baby boy (well he's not such a baby anymore, and sometimes his foul mood and behavior make him seem not quite beautiful - but I love him and appreciate him daily for how he helps me grow and stretch myself to new limits)
2. my home (even though it's somewhat of a shithole and most of the time there's some sort of drama attached to living in it - I do afterall have a place to call my own I feel lucky and blessed for that, especially when there are so many people in this world who unfortunately have much less than that)
3. my family (even though a lot of the time I feel completely and utterly alone in this world, I know that if I ever really needed something at least one of the 66 people I just added up in my interestingly massive clan of immediate and extended family would have my back and I'm very grateful for that - some people really do have no one, and I consider myself pretty lucky to be a part of something so large and interesting)
4. my strength (I've been down and out on several occasions in my life, but I always find a way to somehow muster up enough strength to get myself though it and keep on forging ahead)
5. the sun (I would be lost with out the light and warmth and life giving energy that the miraculous sun spreads on us all every day... thank you sun for shining down on us, even if I can barely see you through the clouds, I know you're there and helping us all grow)Everyone is emailing and outsource exchange server is the business to be in. Not too many people understands exchange hosting or outlook exchange, but basically what email hosting allows you to do is access your email while you're on the internet.

which is it?

2007-06-25T23:09:00.000-05:00

Isle
or
I'll
maybe I'm just a wee bit premenstrual
or maybe
it's something else
why wonder which it is
when it could really be both
I'm filling up fast
and
soon I'll blow

needs and wants

2007-06-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

We all have addictions
of one sort or another
things we need
things we want
that keep us going
or
that keep us from stopping
they keep us
in a parade of charades
and
isn't the point of an addiction
to constantly want more
to never feel quite full
guessing and acting
putting on a show
for those that don't know
what our poison(s?) be
riddle me this Batman...
why is it that the physical
rather than the verbal need
takes over
and we're left
searching for clues
and wondering
what the pantomime
is meant to mean
what is it we're left to guess
to fill
the
emptyness
no sounds or lip movement
only silence
empty
movement
and sometimes
u think
u have
a guess

So I'm new to this...

2007-06-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

Oh joy I have a blog
hmmmm
and now what do I say?
(I'm a little shy at first - but once you get to know me....)